


never meant as mine

by blastellanos



Category: Baseball RPF
Genre: M/M, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 16:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7808770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blastellanos/pseuds/blastellanos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>JD doesn't know how to deal with it. So he mostly doesn't...</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	never meant as mine

**Author's Note:**

> No slander is intended. Just for fun. Title is from Lullabies by Lang Leav.

He desperately tries to quell the feelings. They bubble up within him, unbidden, and so he squeezes his eyes shut and tells himself that they don’t really exist. He tries desperately to coach himself out of it and when he’s hitting at batting practice, he tries to think of each ball as one of those thoughts and knock them away.

 He successfully hits the ball. The rest of that exercise is in vain.

 JD desperately attempts to explain it away to himself. For each feeling, he thinks of some excuse. How he’s just lonely, how he was seeing friendship in the wrong light. Tries to tell himself there’s no way he’d feel that way about a man.

 Then, alone, he quietly can admit to himself when he’s in that fuzzy place between sleep and wakefulness that maybe he does feel that way. That the flutter in his chest isn’t his imagination and that the thoughts that flash to the forefront of his mind aren’t random.

 JD doesn’t know how to deal with it. So he mostly doesn’t, pushing everything down when he has the will to do so. Most of the time it’s easy. Even when they’re sitting on the bench together, or Miggy’s heavy arm is draped over his shoulder, and they’re so close they’re almost sharing the same breath.

 When Miggy’s fingers curl around his, he reminds himself it’s just the excitement of the win. He reminds himself that Miggy is married. That-- there’s nothing but camaraderie and friendship here. It’s the only way JD survives. To keep reminding himself of those things whenever the wayward thought hits.

 JD keeps all these things silent, stuck in his own head, but doing it, trying not to mess up their friendship. Doesn’t move away when Miggy’s too close. Doesn’t jerk his hands back when a hold lingers too long. It’s just the way it is.

 JD has to be good at keeping it hidden, swallowing everything down. He risks his career if he doesn’t. And his friendship-- and well, everything that makes it worth anything.

 But sometimes on a long plane ride, they’ll be playing a game, or he’ll just find himself watching. Not specific, darting his gaze around enough that it isn’t too obvious. JD can’t help but looking. Or sometimes he’ll just keep his head buried down into his phone, trying to look at nothing at all.

 Those times are more often now. JD bites his tongue, keeps his eyes lowered-- tries not to think about what it’d be like to kiss Miggy. Where he’d place his hands on him or what his skin would feel like beneath his clothes. He fights them down, same with the catch in his chest, or how it suddenly feels like he can’t breathe.

 After all, Miggy is married.

 And besides that, JD isn’t into guys.

 But the next time after a score, when Miggy curls his fingers too tight around JD’s and he’s smiling, lit up from the excitement of the win, JD smiles back and it hurts.

 Because yeah-- maybe there is one guy he is into.


End file.
